I know I'm going to regret not doing a full entry about the marriage thing and probably about this weekend... i should do it. i know. okay, brief overview:

Me: And he told me he's gotten to the point where he actually WANTS to get married.
Kate: oajifeaiofeij yayyy yay yay that is so exciting!
Me: omg ikrrrr!
Me: and i asked him if he had a ~timeline and idk omfgggg
Me: he and i are planning to move in with a friend of ours in spring/summer
Me: and he is like "well i was figuring we'd purchase the ~rings when we moved into noahs"
Me: and i'm like "both rings? or the engagement ring?"
Me: and he's like "both rings."
Kate: !!
Me: "the wedding ones."
Me: AND I WAS FREAKING OUT OK
Me: lmfao idk it was ~beautiful
Me: and i'm so excited i'm using ~ a lot lmfao



i am searching for posts i've made about this, since i do not have the energy to recollect it all. OK found something on EL about it.

July 30, 2008

Courtney: I AM HERE! WHAT HAPPENED?!

Me: lmfaolmfao. Sorry I am late, I was cleaning out my email.
And ok, you might need some back story so here it is: Jared + marriage = HUGE ARGUMENT all right? he fucking HATES when I talk about it and whatnot, etc. We ALMOST got married in like, 06, and he backed out a month before (i was going to pick up my dress that week) and he just said he "didn't think it was a good idea" but i didn't push it or freak out. How many girls wouldn't freak out? I just said ok and asked if we were ok. He said we were. Two weeks after I tell everyone the wedding is off, he tells me he doesn't love me at all anymore. =( SO bad luck with marriage ideas ok.

last night he tells me he wants to get married. i can't even think straight. like, it wasn't a proposal, but that doesn't even matter because coming from HIM, this is fricking unbelievable. OMGGGG =)))


Courtney: yayy!! :D i am so happy for you. boys are strange like that. my ex was always like blah blah i'm never getting married, marriage is stupid etc. but now that we've broken up he's like I WANT TO MARRY YOU. that is such a good turnaround bb, but imo u had a right to say more than "ok" when he called the wedding off in 06, i would've freaked out big time haha. but yayy marriage

Me: lmfao well, idk. in 06 i just felt like he must have his reasons and i didn't want to push it and start a fight because, frankly, if HE didn't want to, there really wasn't anything i could do about it? he kept saying "in five years, i will have ruined your life." idk. i just felt like maybe he was getting scared, and he had a right to. i was nineteen, so yeah. lol the day he told me, i was like "ok" and just went about my day lmfao. i had a bible study to go to and whatnot, and i just told everyone "oh yeah, he canceled that." like it was a lunch date lmfao. idk.

but omg i am so, like... idek lmfao. my whole body feels like there's electricity going through me lmfao TY FOR BEING SO EXCITED WITH ME =)

Courtney: Actually, yeah.. I wouldn't want someone to marry me if they didn't fully want to. But i still would've gotten angry that he'd changed his mind so close. Wow you guys must have been together a fairly long time now :)
lmfao @ "like it was a lunch date"

Me: lmfao. well, we started dating in march of 05. we broke up in october of 06. got back togetherrrrr in october of 07, broke up again in Feb. of 08 and got back together on march 17th of this year lmfao. idk, we have been complicated for a long time, but i think we've finally figured out what it takes from each of us to make this relationship work. idk, i wouldn't ask for anyone else and i think he feels the same way? tbh idnk how we work together but somehow we do and idk lol. but yeah, a fairly long time lol. =))

Casey: NIC R U SRS!

Me: lmfao YES CASEY I AM SRS.

Courtney: YES WHY ELSE WOULD SHE BE GUSHING OKAY gush gush

Casey: LOL WTF THAT IS SO EXCITING OK ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I AM V HAPPY FOR YOU BB

Me: lol lol lol ILY BB AND TYSM.
it was not a proposal but omg it may as well be for how excited i am lmfao. idk. you read the convo between courtney and i right? i'm assuming.

Casey: LOL Y
IT WAS EXCITING I WAS LIKE OMGOMG


dennis talks ab marrying me all the time but he's like yk i only am getting married once so i'm not jumping into it but i rly would like for it to be with you in the future and blah blah

Me: lol awwww bb that is so qt!! omgggg i am shaking. =) i can't stop thinking about it lmfao.
I THINK HE IS PLANNING IT FOR SOON TBH. I SUSPECT THIS IS WHAT HE IS DOING.
I think last night he was ~fishing for information lmfao

July 31, 2008

Me: I AM SO FUCKING CONFUSED.
jsyak.

Deanna: about what bb?

Me: jared! lol. idek. =/ just, like, idfk. sex stuff mostly.

Lindsay: why, whats going on?

Me: first off: lol @ your new icon ok.
and idk. like, two nights ago we had unprotected sex but, like, that's completely unlike him. i know it's sketchy that i say that now, but it's true. for example, a few nights before that i had pointed out that i had just gotten off my pd and so we were at our ~safest for it and he was like "oh well i think i'm going to put one on anyway just in case" and so, three nights later, we have unprotected sex and he doesn't say a word about it. Not a word.
And tonight is the first time we've had sex since, and we did it again without protection? i'm just confused. like, i'm cool with it because i figure, if i'm supposed to have a baby now, i will and that's fine. if i don't, that's cool too. yk? but i don't understand HIS sudden change?
and like, idk. yesterday i found out that he's actually gotten to the point where he wants to get married? like he didn't propose, but for as hard as it was to get THIS out of him, it may as well be. idk. AND twice within a week he's cleared out our entire history on here. Like, passwords and all. And he claims he "has no idea" how he did it. idk, this guy can do just about anything with a computer, so i don't believe it, yk?
i'm just wondering how it all fits together. yk? like, why did he clear it all out like that? we never do that.

Lindsay: LOL WHY IS IT FUNNY.
ohh wow.. that is weird?
maybe he wants to have a kid? and if you're pregnant he thinks it would be an easier way to propose or something.. i really don't know what to say..:S ask him!!

Me: lol idk that is kind of what i was thinking too but i dont think it could be it because ever since i've known him he's been very anti-children-having. but, of course, when we got back together i was thinking that i might want a baby and he knew this and idk, he said he wouldn't "shut the door" on it, but that's as far as he'll go. so i'm confused about this.
and i should ask, but idk... i'm unsure how to bring it up, yk? idk.
and it's funny to me bc of how qt it is lol. idk i smoked up so everything is funny i guess lol

Lindsay: yeah! i completely understand.. hmm, maybe see if he does the no condom thing again and be like "..why aren't we using a condom, you always want too" or something along those linessss :\

haha aww :P
yeah i love that pic
she's due next month :D

Me: awww so qt! congrats for her!

and yeah, that's what i ~planned to do this time lol. it's just so weird... he's really not like that and this is twice in a row.

Lindsay: ouuu , maybe something changed his mind :)
and if that's what you want then BONUS haha.

Jen: why the helllll do you want a baby?!
how old are you?
he probably doesn't care about protection because it just feels oh so good without a condom!
when you said "if i'm meant to have a baby then okay"...or w/e it was that you said I was like OMFG. I mean, it's a pretty HUGE thing that would change your life forever.

Me: Um, well. To start, I could want a baby for a million reasons, and I'm not even saying i do for certain. I'm just saying. And no, he doesn't not care about protection because it feels "oh so good" - regardless of the fact that it does. I KNOW him, and he's never once complained about how a condom makes it feel any different. That would, honestly, be the very last reason he would not wear one. I've been having sex with him for more than 3 years, and he is generally extremely paranoid about it. Which is why I am so confused.

Also, you can trust me when I say that I completely realize that a baby could change my life forever. So could a car accident, so could going to the doctors for a routine checkup and discovering cancer, so could eating a food that i don't know i'm severely allergic to. So could walking home from work at night and getting mugged, etc. I simply cannot live my life thinking things like that. If it does change my life, well, I'll experience something new, then. Life doesn't always go as planned, so I don't live as if it should. Shit happens, shit doesn't happen. It's all gonna end sometime, I may as well experience everything I can while I'm here.

And I'm 21, not that it really matters.

Jen: I'm really sorry if I offended you at all, I was just a little shocked. And yes I agree tons of things could happen at any moment that would change your life forever, but I think when you're young you should be more concentrated on having fun than having babies, but that is just my opinon...I guess you need to talk to him about it if it's bothering you, ask him why he isn't so concerned about using protection anymore?

Me: No, it's okay. I wasn't offended, i don't really know how I took it. You just came on really strong, you know? But it's okay, I do that too, all the time lol. And I agree, you're right about being young and having fun but I've pretty much had to act like an adult since i was 9 and being young just gets boring anymore. I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't feel like I'm any older than 18 but it's gotten to the point in my life where drinking every night and having people over and all that is just not as exciting as it used to be.

Jared and I have our own place, we deal with money issues, etc. We don't really have the life of a bunch of kids. We're adults, whether we want to be or not. And the thing about having a kid, I think that would actually help us to be young, to be honest. We'd have someone to play with =) lol.

And you are definitely right, I should talk to him. I just don't know how to bring it up. =/ I'll figure it out probably today though, because if he's just not even thinking about it for some reason, then I need to think about it for him.







and about this weekend, idk. it's more of a noah and steph thing, lol.

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