so when jared got home last night, he brought with him gifts. flying insect killing spray stuff, 4 sticky fly rope thingers. also cranberry juice for my vagina. i don't know, i think i'm overreacting to things with him but i'm rather unhappy. i don't know, =[. i have a headache again. i have headaches every day lately, for like two and a half weeks. i hate it. i want to be on birth control. but at this rate it would be a waste of pills considering jared hasn't even touched me in that way for a long time. i feel so crappy.

jared has been working on his willy wonka rock opera for a while now, and kudos to him for being so devoted to his work - i'm really proud of him; i am. but i feel so left out. i mean, we live together; you'd think i would see him but I DON'T. it's really upsetting. i mean, ok, so this past week i was on my period and when i am on my period i feel like i look like crap ok. so, a few of those days when he went to work, i got all dressed up and i even put make up on a time or two for when he got home and he said nothing. not a word. i dont even think he noticed i tried. nothing changed. most of the time when he has come home this week, i was lucky to get a kiss hello. it just made me feel even worse. i mean, obviously i wasn't trying to get laid - but a "gee, you look nice today" would have been the highlight of my week ok. i don't know, i feel like i'm about as noticeable to him as his couch lately. it's ridiculous and it is only made worse by my moodiness. and i don't know. i have tried to kiss him and it just never goes anywhere, like, he'll return it but i'm convinced it's because i'll get mad if he doesn't.

and we watch all these movies with gorgeous women and i just get so upset. i feel like crap in my paint covered shorts, bloating and messy hair. i could cry. ughhh.

last night ok, we were watching the incredible hulk and i wanted to cuddle but he was "so into the movie" that he couldn't. =[ then i wanted to go to bed and he said we could, so we were just about to and i was checking bitlord about my sims game and he is like "oh can i check something quick" and he went to wikipedia and looked up more superhero movies and i was like "oh this is going to take you forever" and he is like "i really dont like having to negotiate my time." and i'm like "i wasn't trying to control what you do, forget it." and i got up and went to bed and he was out here for HALF AN HOUR when he said it would only take him like ten minutes. so when he came back he was in bed for maybe ten minutes before he got up again to go work on his willy wonka thing. i woke up at seven this morning (he had gotten up to go work more on it at 3) and he was still in the fucking studio working on it. four hours later and he hadn't bothered to come to bed and he had to work today. i was so upset because i was like, "wtf? now we aren't even going to bed together anymore because he's so obsessed with everything else" and i just felt like crap.

he doesn't even want to be around me anymore, does he?

i've gone to bed angry every night since saturday night. i never go to bed angry, it's a bad habit and i avoid it whenever possible. i've been so unimportant to him lately that i can't help but go to bed angry. and i wake up having forgiven him for it when he doesn't even REALIZE how upset i am. i think he understands that i get pissy but i don't think he realizes the magnitude of how i feel and i don't want to explain it to him because he's so happy with this project and i don't want to ruin it for him. it's the first thing i've really seen him throw himself into in a long time. too bad he throws me aside for it. all he does is talk about it and i just can't take it, i just get mad. he keeps saying he can tell me about it or i can read some of it or he can give me a synopsis of it but i keep saying no and that "i want to wait until it's finished so i don't ruin it for myself." what a load of crap. i just don't even want to talk about it with him. i'm sick of it.

so around 8:30 this morning he came back to bed and he didn't even cuddle with me for more than, like, a minute. and that's not like him. he usually cuddles me ALL NIGHT. he hasn't cuddled me since this fucking project. i'm losing him to a guitar riff and some fucking lyrics.

oh, and there are only like 5 flies so far today. major improvement from the 109217849162684 that were here yesterday.

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If you are easily made uncomfortable, I would suggest leaving now.
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