i don't know what is wrong with me, but ever since about 4 o'clock today i have been insanely depressed. =[ just like, every little thing bugs me. i don't know... ugh. and it's only been two hours. now my fucking frou frou cd is skipping. GAH. i can't wait for cooper to get here so i can just fucking cry and cry and drink wine and be fat and depressed.

jared came home today and he was in a much better mood than when he left. i don't know. then he said he was going to go to kirk's house tonight - which i guess is good because i am having company over and the events taking place probably won't make him comfortable, but i dunno. kirk has whiskey and pea soup and that means jared will probably be staying there. =[ and the chances of lisa inviting herself over there are really good because she is obnoxious like that. =[ i hate when he's around her and i am not there - not because i think he would do anything, or even that she would, i just don't know. ever since i met her i have had this insane paranoia that she is going to ~take him from me and i've told him this and he tells me that it's a crazy idea and all that and lately he's been annoyed with her too. i don't know, it just always makes me really uncomfortable, i guess. =[

and besides, he won't be coming home tonight. he's either been at work lately or he's sleeping, i feel like i don't get to ~spend any real time with him and it's upsetting. so the only time i really get with him is when we're sleeping and now he isn't even going to be coming home tonight. =/ and i'm supposed to spend the night crying, which i don't mind at all because i enjoy a good cry, but then i get to go to bed alone. =[ so does cooper, though, so i've really got nothing to bitch about. =[ -sigh-

it's just a good thing i'm depressed today, you know? since she's coming over and all that. ugh. i don't even know WHY i'm depressed. maybe it's the weather, it's really hot and muggy outside.

oh, that and i haven't gotten laid in ages. lie. jared woke me up like three days ago and we "had sex" before he went to work. okay, that consisted of 10 minutes of fooling around, then having sex on our sides - which he did even though i said i didn't feel like doing it that way. i never get anything out of it, you know? ESPECIALLY when we start that way. i don't know, i feel like he's barely in me at all and there's no proper stimulation to me and i don't know. =[ so we were doing it THAT way and within like five minutes he's done.

though he did stop, i'll give him that, and it happened anyway like a minute later before he even started again. so it's not his fault, but where did that leave me?

really horny while my boyfriend went to work. and we haven't even fooled around since. i mention it every so often. like today when he got home he knew i was ~displeased with his plans and he asked me what i would rather do and i was like, "i don't know, it would be nice if you would sex up your girlfriend, you know." so when he got in the shower, he said "i'm going to get in the shower in case you need me for ANYTHING." maybe i am just impossible to please, but i HATE shower sex ok. i really do. why? because i don't like the wetness, it makes the whole "touching" thing weird. i also hate that we can't get a good position in there a.) because he is so fucking tall and b.) because the shower stall is fucking tiny. so there's the weird wetness, the height, the space, the bad sex positions, and I NEVER GET OFF. wtf is the point of me having sex and getting riled up if i am not going to get off?

he's spoiled me. ohmygod. i never would have said that a few years ago. before him i never orgasmed, hell - i thought i did just because i would get wet. yeah. then he came along and now i'm bitching about the sex he offers because i don't get off as easily. ohmygod. i hate girls like me.

fuck.

i just want to get off.

he's napping right now. (hence one of my issues with his plans, the little bit of time he is spending home he is SLEEPING MORE). he says it is only going to be an hour nap. ha. right. and even if he does only nap for an hour, that doesn't get me laid. why? because when i said i didn't want to have shower sex, he said he hates this weather (which i knew) but that sex in this weather is just "no fun." that's right, sex with me when it is muggy is no fun. =[

i keep forcing myself not to cry so that i can do so later. ugh.

okay so anyway. i'm hoping to change my depression. i'm hoping i can be happy and still cry later. so the movies on the list for tonight are as follows (i don't know which ones we will actually watch or which/if any cooper is bringing).

[1] Wristcutters: A love story
[2] Garden State
[3] Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
[4] Serendipity [downloading]
[5] the Notebook [downloading]
[6] Pretty Woman [downloading]
[7] Breakfast at Tiffany's [downloading]
[8] A Walk to Remember [downloading]

the drinkables we have:

[1] strawberry flavored white zinfandel
[2] blue hawaiian flavored apple wine
[3] bicardi grandmelon
[4] berry flavored apple wine


now bitlord is spazzing out on me. FUCK. i'm really moody at the moment. i'm going to go do some of those fucking sketches i've been trying to do all day.

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