all right. i don't know why but i kind of feeling like talking about my past for a while? so yeah, here goes. it'll be random and unclear, but that is because that is how i remember almost everything, especially about my childhood. i'm repressing a lot of memories, so yeah. bear with me. =] also, this might be sad/upsetting/disturbing so you can go ahead and skip if you'd like because it is generally not going to be a happy reminiscing of my childhood - considering my childhood SUCKED.

i was sexually molested when i was four. =[ oddly enough, it was by a kid my age. i don't know how this makes any sense, but yeah. i just know that i was four and i was molested by a kid in my class in the coats/shoes area. i was raped when i was seventeen by my friend's boyfriend. it was a difficult situation because originally i was consenting, but it started to hurt and all that and i was bleeding and i asked him to stop and he did not. =/

um. when i was, oh i'd say, ten my mom packed my five year old sister and i in the car and drove us to a lake and told us to get out and drown ourselves. now, if i was ten, then i also would have had my even younger sister with us, but i don't remember that well. so i could have either been between nine and ten, ok? oh, by the way, once she told us to do that she drove off.

she came back like half an hour later. to this day she denies this ever happening. or, sometimes if you catch her admitting it, she'll say she never left us she just had "a very angry moment" as she calls it. a very angry moment that you took the liberty to drive at least forty minutes to a lake? yeah, my point exactly. there are a hundred reasons that i will never speak civilly to my mother again, that being only one of them. every day of my life when i lived with her i was ridiculed and belittled by a woman who believes the past tense for "treat" is "tret" - that's right, folks. the woman that made me the insecure, self-condemning person i am today is someone that does not even know how to speak english properly. she blames it on never graduating high school. i say they teach you the past tense of "treat" long before high school. and even then, i have told her a number of times what it is and she just ignores me and gets upset because i am belittling her. ugh. my mom hit me once. she never did it again because i like to think she feared for her life. up until that point i had never been so angry in my life and i had nail marks in the palms of my hands that bled for days because i bunched up my fists so tightly.

my biological father was an abusive alcoholic. my mom was with him for TEN years before she left him. she left him six months after i was born. they were trying that entire time to have a baby. my question: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO HAVE A BABY FOR WHEN YOUR HUSBAND ABUSES YOU EVERY NIGHT?

anyway, i think i might be done for now. =] haha.

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If you are easily made uncomfortable, I would suggest leaving now.
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